The decision for us to go through with this surgery was one of the hardest ones we have ever had to make in our lives. I was terrified because I have never had surgery before and we have already been through so much. My maternal specialist recommended that we do this particular procedure because of how much we have been through emotionally. She thought this would be better for us and for me, considering how far along I was already.

 

Monday:

This was a two step process which started on Monday at a doctors office in Brookline. Here we both met with the Doctor that would be doing the surgery. We talked about different concerns we had, also about what to expect. We were told in the beginning that we would be getting laminaria sticks inserted to dilate my cervix to prepare for the surgery. Also that I would be getting a shot into the baby's sack to stop her heart so she would not feel any pain during the surgery. Once we got there the doctor told us that the shot was not necessary and that since I would be under anesthesia, she also would be asleep and feel no pain. I was already a high risk, and this could cause more risk than needed. I was actually relieved by this, it would rather her die in her sleep than have her heart just stop. 

 

After the consult we went into the exam room and Teddy was told to wait for me in the waiting room. Which I wish I had spoke up and asked him to come with me because this was one of the most scary experiences I have ever had. When looking up this procedure most women said it felt a little more uncomfortable than a pap smear. I am usually pretty good with pain tolerance so I was confident that I would be OK. He ended up inserting 8 sticks of laminaria sticks into my cervix and I wanted to die. It was the worst, most uncomfortable pain ever. I was given 600 mg of Ibuprofen for pain, which did nothing. After the process was done I went back into the office to discuss the antibiotics I was prescribed for the surgery. I was able to sit for five minutes before the Doctor asked if I was ok. I was pale as a ghost and I felt cold sweats and dizzy. He immediately brought me into the next room to lay down and brought me a granola bar and water. I guess this was a common thing that happens to some afterwards. Thankfully Teddy listened to the rest of the prescription instructions while I recouped in the next room. After they both came in to check on me. I had to continue to lay down for a few more minutes but then was cleared to leave. The rest of the day and night I was so uncomfortable, I just wanted this nightmare to be over. It didn't help how scared I was for the next day either.

 

Tuesday:

We had to be at Beth Israel Hospital in Boston for 7:00 AM for my 8:00 surgery. We had told those who offered that we wanted to go just us two, but after Monday I told Teddy my Mom has to come. Which he was completely understanding about. Once we got the hospital everyone was amazing. They all made me feel so comfortable and made sure I knew I was going to be OK. All the nurses were so caring and helpful. Everyone had known what we have been through and kept letting us know how sorry they were for having to be there for that unfortunate reason. I went through all the standard check in stuff and they had me change and I was able to have my Mom and Teddy with me while they got me all set up with an IV and while I waited to go in. The Doctor came in to see how I was doing beforehand and to let me know when we would be starting. Once we were ready they brought me into the surgery room. I was panicking because I was so scared about going under anesthesia and about the surgery. Just like everyone had told me, they put the mask on me and within like 30 seconds I was out. Next thing I know I woke up getting wheeled into recovery and I was babbling asking if everything went ok and if they saw what she looked like. I finally came to in a few minutes after and I was shaking/shivering like crazy. They piled a ton of blankets on me, I guess this is a common side effect of the anesthesia. After they knew I was stable they sent in Teddy and my Mom one at a time. After an hour or so I was able to get dressed with some help and go home. The pain was way more tolerable than the day before but I still felt like I just had surgery. I rested on the couch for the rest of the day and of course was helped by my amazing Husband when needed. I have had some light cramping and bleeding, which is normal. Emotionally, we are sad but have been grieving already since the day we found out about her complications. Once we spread her ashes we feel we will be able to start our healing and feel some closure.